Gentleman's Essential #17 - Your Thing

In early August something great came into my life – a puppy named Toby.  Cara and I went to the dog breeder’s house in Marysville to check out their litter of golden retrievers (we both have always wanted one).  There were three or four little fuzz-balls, but one was a little different from the rest and crawled out to us.  That was it – he was coming home with us.  Toby’s grown from the tiny guy that fit in the palm of your hand, into a 40+ pound dog in just a few short months.  Raising a dog is a lot of work: the feeding, the walking, the bathing, the bathroom trips.  Oh, the bathroom trips!  Now when we come back inside from heading out to the rain to make sure Toby pees and poos in the grass and not on the floor, Cara invariably asks, “Was he a good boy?”  And I reply, “Yup, he did his thing.” 

We all have “our thing”.  Cara’s thing is yoga and reading.  Ryan’s thing is collecting and dressing nice.  Stanislav’s thing is climbing and cigars.  Apparently, Toby’s thing is “leaving his mark on the world”… in his own way.  Our special thing is what defines us.  It’s not everything we are, but it is a big part of our lives.  It’s something that, internally, is something to be passionate about, and externally, something that makes us interesting.  Take for example my boss, the head of the Amazon Appstore – Aaron Rubenson.  He’s incredibly smart, well spoken; he’s a hard worker and demands the same from the team.  Oh hey, by the way, he’s also a concert opera singer.  And he’s learning how to sail.  I’m sure as he talks with “the higher-ups” or people from other companies, he stands out with interesting personal experiences from “his thing”.  After all, we work to live, not live to work. 

Your thing shouldn’t be artificial.  If it’s cool, but you’re not into it – don’t force it.  When you take time for yourself and your hobbies, you should be excited about it and you should feel like you derive some satisfaction from it.  As you give time to yourself to do “your thing”, you will have a wealth of great experiences to look back on and share with others. 

Be interesting my friends; go find what you are passionate about.

Gentleman’s Essential #16 – The Smile That Melts Hearts

When I was young, I was pretty shy.  Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people was a torturous experience for me.  You can imagine my dismay when at the age of 8 my family announced that we would be moving from the home and friends I grew up with, to a new home and new school a number of miles away.  My parents’ bedroom is still clear in my memory that first morning of school.  That’s when I received some of the most thoughtful advice I’ve ever been given.  My Mom said, “If you smile, you’ll make a lot of friends.”  Being the trusting young man I was, I did just that.  That day at recess I innocently walked up to Jason and Jeff, smiled and asked, “do you want to be my friends?”  And that was that – we started hanging out.  I was still shy, but I had an easier time getting to know people.  Now I can’t seem to wipe this smirk off of my face (please note Exhibit A in the About Me section). 

Some expressions are universal and occur in ever society and culture from the isolated aborigines of Australia to the city dwellers of New York.  Smiles are one of those expressions.  Sometimes a person can fake a smile when one is being polite, but a true smile contracts the orbicularis oculi (no, that’s not a Harry Potter spell) – forming the “crows feet” near your eyes.  Next time you’re trying to see if the person you’re talking with is really smiling – don’t look at their mouth, look at the eyes.  The eyes always tell the whole story. 

Aside from knowing when you’re friend/date is really happy, smiles are also a great way to help others see that you’re a good person and want to talk.  Even if you have a bit of a goofy smile – people usually can’t help smiling back.  Which brings me to one of my favorite games.  For a day, try to see how many strangers you can get a smile from.  Not by doing anything crazy or funny, but by smiling at them.  It always made my day, and you never know – it might make the other person’s day too.  There’s really no need to always be upset, or have a scowl across your face.  You like talking with people who are happy and trust me, other people will feel the same way about you.  Of course, it's best to be honest about your feelings, but if everything's fine (which, isn't it?)  then why not have a grin on your face.  

Go out there and make some friends – and you never know, one day you might just have a girl say you melted her.      

Gentleman’s Essential #15: Subtle Sophistication and Patience

The 2005 New Line comedy classic, Wedding Crashers, featured Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as a couple of guys who drop in on weddings to have some laughs, eat good food, and meet some girls.  People helping people!  Vince Vaughn’s character is very loud and garish whereas Owen Wilson’s character is more reserved, more patient with what he wants (Rachel McAdams)… he’s more subtle. 

What is a subtle guy like?  They don’t have to always be heard by everyone.  The subtle guy is able to hang back and interject the perfect joke at the perfect time.  You know the guy, a comedy ninja.  As he’s listening to his date, he lays out a perfect line – one that shows he’s listening and quick on his feet.  A subtle guy also doesn’t need to brag.  He does great things and lets his actions speak for themselves.  Unlike the loud “one upper” as I like to call them.  Don't be afraid of “awkward silences”.  See those moments actually as a great time to try to see what the other person’s eyes are telling you.    

There’s no need to be the loud guy.  Sure, there’s a time and a place, but a gentleman will realize that it’s best to think about what he says and does.  Live passionately, but also be thoughtful.  It’s great to go after what you want in life and seize what you find beautiful and inspiring, but be patient too – some things are best when the time is right. 

Take for example Owen Wilson’s character.  He falls for the perfect girl; things don’t work out and actually go really badly for him.  What does he do?  What would you do?  He doesn’t freak out and do the wrong thing and, on the flip side, he doesn’t give up.  He patiently works hard at being the right guy for the right girl.  In the end, it all works out, because he’s been quietly being a good man.      

Patience brothers – good things will happen if you’re doing the right thing and working hard at what you want.  And always, always, be thoughtful.

Gentleman's Essential #14: Friendship

“A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring.” -Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I’m a firm believer that life is a roller coaster – it’s full of ups and downs.  Sometimes it can be so intense that you start to feel overwhelmed and wish the ride would stop.  That’s why it’s important to see that you’re not alone.  As we go through life we are privileged to have other people become close to us.  These people know us deeply and we know them.  These people are our friends.  It’s easy to gather a ton of acquaintances, but true friends are special.  They would gladly move mountains for you or simply put their arms around you when you’re feeling down.  They do this, not because they anticipate something immediately in return, but because they love you.

Of course, having good friends means that, when possible, you strengthen that relationship.  Sadly, I’ve neglected some of my closest friendships in the past and am working hard to rebuild them.  What is the best way to do this?  Time.  A mass email to all of your friends is nice, but does very little.  If you haven’t talked to a friend in a while, give them a call.  If they live close by, invite them to go grab lunch and catch up.  If you are still close, the important thing is to be there for them.  Be the friend they can count on when they need help or if they’re feeling alone.  Be the hand that reaches to them when they feel lost, or the arms that encircle them when they’re hurting.  So next time you find yourself plummeting down in your roller coaster of life, look next to you – your friends are there with you.

Of all you have, your friends are your most valuable possession.  Treat them as such, gentlemen.    

Gentleman’s Essential #13: Reaping and Sowing

To introduce this installment, I’ll tell a story about a friend of mine.  I’ll call her Barbie.  Barbie’s one of the best people I know; fun, witty, intelligent, driven.  She also would really like to have a family someday and would be a great mom.  Enter Ken.  Barbie recently started dating Ken about four months ago.  From the outside, Ken seems like the All-American guy; big smile, handsome, fun and athletic.  Needless to say, Barbie’s crazy about Ken.  But Ken smokes pot.  Why is that relevant?  Because smoking pot (especially regular marijuana use during late-teens/early-20’s) greatly increases the likelihood of infertility for males as well as the chance for genetic defects if they do have kids.  In other words, Ken has far fewer swimmers now and the ones he does have are much less mobile and genetically screwed up.  Ken probably thinks he’s just having fun, but he doesn’t know he’s sowing the seeds of future pain for him and Barbie if things progress and they try to have a family together.  If they actually do have kids, those children are likely to have learning disabilities or birth defects.  It’s tragic.     

Nothing happens in a vacuum.  It’s the blessing and curse of being human.  We are privileged to be able to associate with other people and have them be a part of our lives.  On the other hand we can be hurt and cause pain to others.  There are many things I wish I would have thought of or been aware of before I did them, because I know they have caused a great deal of pain to others – especially those closest to me.  Unfortunately in life there are no “do-overs”, no bogies.

What do we do?  All we can do is learn to be able to look back and learn from our mistakes and try to move forward in a better way, so we are sowing the seeds of future success and happiness for ourselves, but more importantly, for our loved ones. 

Sow good seeds gentlemen – you will reap happiness.

Gentleman’s Essential #12: Gym Etiquette

There are two things I like to do, go to the gym and listen to my friends’ opinions.  Naturally when my friends give opinions about their experiences at the gym, my ears perk up.  In this Essential we’ll cover three things that people have talked to me about when they grimace and discuss “that guy” at the gym.

Change your clothes.  When you go to the gym regularly, you start to see the same cast of characters.  Everyone generally keeps to themselves, but you recognize them.  What you don’t want to be recognized as is as the guy who wears the same shirt every day (guy at left is a recreation of "that guy").  That alone is a bad thing.  The other drawback to donning the same shirt to each workout is it’s going to start to stink.  Bad.  Easy fix though, go do some volunteer work or run a race – you’ll get a free shirt and instantly double your wardrobe! 

You’re not alone.  It’s easy to ‘be in the zone’ when you’re working out.  The weights are on, your pushing your limits, and you let out a growl like you’re morphing into a werewolf.  Not exactly okay.  While studies show that yelling does help push you harder, try to keep it under a reasonable decibel level.  Remember to use your inside voices!  Violators of the grunting and yelling, is guy who is constantly checking himself out in the mirror.  The human body is pretty cool, but staring at your arm as you do curls isn’t going to “will” it into getting bigger.  

Don’t stare (see P-Diddy right).  I’ll keep this simple, because it is.  I’ve been told by more than one of my female friends that they hate it when guys ogle them while they workout.  You know they guy.  As the girl goes from one place to another, his head swivels on his neck like the possessed girl from Poltergeist.  Don’t do that.  Glance, acknowledge, smile, get back to what you were doing. 

The gym’s a great place.  It feels good to workout and get fit.  Do what you can to make a good impression on others and be “that guy” that people say with a smile.  

Gentleman’s Essential #11: Cutting it Close

After a failed attempt at writing a piece about shaving, we’re going to revisit the subject.  No fancy stats about what women actually want, but we’ll start with a story from my favorite period in antiquity – Ancient Rome.  Shaving became so important in Roman culture that when young men went to the barber for the first time, it was a celebration and their hairs were offered to the gods.  After famously rising from the ranks and driving his nemesis to Egypt, Julius Caesar attained the throne of the Roman Empire.  This great leader and conqueror opted for the clean-shaven look – and he demanded that of his soldiers.  Unfortunately, Caesar achieved this by having the hairs individually plucked; even worse, his soldiers in the field “shaved” by rubbing their hair out with a pumice stone.  It kind of puts drudgery of the daily or bi-weekly shave in a new perspective.  Let’s look at how to do this ancient gentlemen’s ritual properly.

1.   Prepare your face with warm water.  The hair on your face will soften up and stand up for a closer shave if you begin by washing your face.  I prefer to shave in the shower, which can easily be done with a fog proof mirror installed, but if you opt not to, you can begin with a warm washcloth. 

2.  Next, apply the shave gel in small circles, again to prepare your facial hair.  I prefer shave gel versus foam because it helps the razor glide across the skin easier.  I generally use Gillette Extra Comfort Shave Gel, but Lab Series for Men makes a really amazing shave cream.  

3.  Use a newer razor blade.  As you all probably know, I shave more hair than most so I go through blades often.  Even if you’re just going for your face, you ought to be changing your blade every other week or so.  You should definitely change the blade before shaving for an important event.  I’m a Gillette Mach 3 guy, but you should go with whatever works best for your face.

4.  If you have the time, shave first going with the “grain” of your hair.  Then reapply shave gel and shave again against the grain.  This will give you a much closer shave and help reduce the likelihood of ingrown hairs.

5.  After the shave wash your face again with a face wash.  This will take away any remaining shave gel, shaved hairs, and clean your face for the day.  Neutrogena Men Invigorating Face Wash will do the job well.

6.  Always, always, always apply moisturizer to your face.  If you don’t after about 30 minutes you’ll feel like your skin is going to fall off.  The reason for this is because the act of shaving and washing depletes your face of its natural moisturizers.  I also find that as I apply the moisturizer I can feel if I missed a spot during the shave.  If you do, simply apply a little more moisturizer to the area and re-shave that spot.  Few things are more embarrassing than realizing midway through the day that you missed a spot.  I prefer Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion. 

So next time you put metal to face, know that you are taking part in a tradition that is thousands of years old.  After all, this is your face – it’s kind of important.